The Return to Running Odyssey

Yes after over four weeks of sitting on my ever widening and not so tight ass, I finally put on the running shoes and headed out the door. It was not a pretty sight mind you! I had really slacked off and had 1027 excuses not to do it  some of which include: my back hurts, my butt hurts, my head hurts, that hang nail in my little toe is bugging me, my right nut didn’t descend this morning, it is snowing, it is raining, it is Thanksgiving, it is Christmas, I’m sick, I wanna get drunk, I’m hung over from getting drunk, can’t blink my left eye, this TV show is interesting, football is on, lying here on the couch feels sooooo good, I’m hungry, too full, too fat, need to puke….it could go on and on and on. So imagine if you will, a white male approaching middle age with the waistline to match, gasping along like a 50 year old emphysemic coming to an end of an illustrious chain smoking career, lumbering with the grace of an aged elephant with an arthritic hip and turf toe and you’ll imagine me! After four glorious weeks of leisure where a multitude of anatomical muscles were saying “I could get used to this”, I jumped up and hit the pavement. They began screaming “What the f**k is happening here? Hey idiot, back on the couch!” You would think after just being off only a month it would be like jumping back on the bike you fell off of, easy as that! Not so my friends, running…..it’s not for pussies anymore! Maybe I should quit!

As I trudged along I vaguely remembered the days of getting back to a svelte 155 and running along with the speed of a backward gazelle, I was never a fast runner. This run however, carrying around a weight of 1*3 pounds (you really thought I’d admit it, fill in the asterisk yourself smart ass), I think I topped out at a lightening speed of 3.14159 mph. Wait…..isn’t that Pi? Make mine pecan or cherry extra whipped cream! I had to endure the laughter and cackling of passerby’s in their cars and on foot, heckling from other more fit runners, and dodging the patches of ice and snow still lingering on the sidewalks and roadways. More than once did I step on what looked like slush only to find it an icy death patch ready to take me down onto my butt or head. What’s the difference between the two, besides one is up the other anyway so it would be a combined injury upon being reported to the paramedics.

Alas I have returned safely with calves screaming louder than Axl Rose in his GNR days, trembling quads, and hips sorer than your grampie’s on a good day! Now I’m trying to decide whether to collapse into a quivering mound of flesh in the fetal position in a corner sucking my thumb crying like a baby only to be discovered later by my wife screaming “Did I not say quitting is not an option, damn you” or be a man and go on to work!

I went to work! And after the soreness subsides and I recover, I will probably go do it again!

PS This is the kind of crap I think up when I DON’T listen to my MP3 player while running!

PPSS If anyone finds something that looks like an upper lobe of a right pulmonary organ on the sidewalk, put it on ice and let me know. I’ll need that back!!

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