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  • May 2009
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Five Decades

Just recently I hit a milestone and joined the 50 crowd. Yes, on May 15th I turned the big 5-0! I must admit, this birthday bothers me a bit! When I hit my 20’s, I was happy because before long I could drink legally and vote. I was no longer a teenager and could be looked on as more of adult although I probably wasn’t acting like one at that point. When I hit 30 I still wasn’t bothered by it. I was living in Southern California, had a great girlfriend at the time, was making decent money, and really enjoying life! Turning 40 was quite fun. I had moved to the Pacific Northwest, married my wife, and still had a great time. In fact, Debbie threw me a surprise party for my 40th birthday and I ha many friends show up and we had a blast. Turning 50 is a different story!

Before I slide into a depressed diatribe, I will explain what we did for my 50th. I didn’t want a surprise party, but did have a party. We invited some friends to join us on or boat and celebrate my fifty years on earth by going on a day cruise. Deb and I had taken the boat up to Elliot Bay Marina from where we moor the boat in Tacoma the day before. Our friends came up there. Some friends I hadn’t seen in quite some time showed up! We enjoyed some food and drink then took a cruise around Bainbridge Island. It was very fun and I had a great time. Now I am not complaining about my life, in fact I have a good one! I have a lovely wife who loves me very much, enjoy some fantastic friends, have decent income which has us enjoying a fairly good life. We have a beautiful home, a real nice boat, and really have no real worries right now but turning 50 is bothering me. First off, I don’t have very good longevity genes, especially if I follow the path of my parents. Both of them passed suddenly in their early fifties. I do believe I am in much better health than they were. They both smoked, I do not. I try to eat healthy most of the time, but do enjoy a fattening snack from time to time and try to watch my weight. Right now I am really watching my intake and have dropped almost 10 pounds. I have been known to imbibe in an alcoholic bevy or two, but hey, got to have some fun in life right? I run quite frequently and try and stay as active as possible, but as I look at old pictures and myself in the mirror, I can see myself looking older these days. For many years I looked younger than my physical age, but do see a change slowly encroaching.

For the first time in my life I am hit with the realization that unless I hit 100, my life is beyond half over. The young stupid feelings of invincibility are long gone now. What does the future hold but longer waits at the urinal for the piss stream to start, hardly ever sleeping completely through the night without having to make a trip to the bathroom, more involved physical exams (does the first colonoscopy come to mind?), and worrying about the slow break down of the physical body and the inevitable ailments that will pop up! Am I going to give up and let old age take me down, hell no!!! But I am having to stop and think sometimes about growing old and facing my own mortality. I haven’t done that much in the past. Will I change, probably not! I will still enjoy my Makers like always, and rarely will act my age like usually. I figure that if you act old, you get old, so I will still continue to be the immature idiot that you have come to know, love, laugh at, and make fun of hopefully until the day I finally bump into the grim reaper and he says, “Time to come with me!”

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And Then the Fight Started

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
“Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into
the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back,
now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY !!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””
Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

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