• Follow me on Twitter

  • Blog Stats

    • 22,860 hits
  • Archives

  • August 2020
    M T W T F S S
     12
    3456789
    10111213141516
    17181920212223
    24252627282930
    31  

Latest Addition to the Garage

For quite awhile we were in a quandary about replacing Debbie’s Avalon, but didn’t know when or with what. We were hoping to wait until after she retired and maybe for awhile longer. But after this winter’s snowpocalypse came and none of our current cars could handle it, it was time to get something that could. Debbie has always liked the Toyota FJ Cruiser, but finding a decent one for sale was a tad bit difficult. We found good ones for sale, but were in other parts of the country. When we finally found one we could look at and test drive, someone bought it right out from our noses. Hell, we were just sitting down to go over numbers too! They had bought it without even a test drive! It had a shimmy when braking, let them now worry about it! Then she found one, a 2014 with only 41K miles on it that hadn’t even hit the sales market. After patiently waiting until the dealer had gone over it in the shop, cleaned it, and made it showroom ready, she went and saw and drove it! Then she went back with Alex and he drove it and the deal was done! She did it all by herself with a little encouragement from him. Drove it home yesterday and as of this writing, I haven’t even been in it yet! It does look nice in the garage! So we say goodbye to our Avalon we’ve had since new and traveled over 269K miles in it and still running great! Someone will get a little more miles out of it! Now off we go on vacation!

Bye Bye old friend! You served us well!

My Acting Debut

Well here it is, my first time ever on a stage, and performing a monologue to boot. A little back story first. Awhile back in late 2013, the San Juan Islands (where we have our cabin) experienced a phone and internet outage caused by a severed cable that lasted for ten days. You can read about here! My good friend, Kevin Hillstrom, a budding playwright wrote a play about the outage and poked a little fun at it. He asked me if I would star in it. I said sure although I have never acted before. It was to be performed during the Playwrights “On the Fringe” at the San Juan Community Theater. He went out on a limb with the theater director because I couldn’t come up for the rehearsals, she never met me until the day before the first show, had no idea how it would work, was worried because I was going to go off script and ad lib some of the lines, and the other actors were thinking Kevin was get some preferential treatment. But he managed to persuade her and emailed me the script and let me know where I could just ad lib and ramble within it. So after looking it over for a while, and putting my thespian hat on, here is the result below,  no real rehearsal and no real experience. I think we did a fine job. Thanks to Kevin for writing a great and funny script and Julie Laidlaw for allowing us to “wing it”.

Jokes To Offend Everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it’s worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

“Are you sure it’s mine?”

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?

They named him “Sum Ting Wong”

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe”.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time ..” –
A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this s**t….

Hello……???

Rrriiiiinnnnggg,
rrriiiinnnngg,

‘Hello?’

‘Hi honey. This is daddy. Is mommy near the
phone?’

‘No, daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Gabe.’

After a brief pause, daddy says,
‘But honey, you haven’t
got an Uncle Gabe.’

‘Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room
with mommy, right now..’

Brief Pause……….

‘Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to
do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to mommy that daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’

‘Okay, daddy, just a minute.’

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

‘I did it, daddy.’

‘And what happened, honey?’

‘Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of
bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!’

‘Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?’

‘He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped
out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know
that you took out the water last week to clean it.’

 

‘He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’

Long Pause………..

Longer Pause……….

Even Longer Pause………….

Then daddy says, ‘Swimming pool?’

‘Is this 486-5731?’

No, I think you have the wrong
number…….!

Idiot Sightings

I feel like a VALEDICTORIAN !!!!!
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said “May I have large bills, please”


She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.”
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….

IDIOT  SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’  His reply: ‘I know. I already got that  side
.

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the  opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a  1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, ‘NO, it’s  not..’ Four is larger than two.’

We  haven’t used Sears repair since.


IDIOT  SIGHTING
My  daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk  a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went  to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do  not confuse the clerks at McD’s.


IDIOT  SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local  township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don’t  think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.’

From  Kingman ,  KS

IDIOT  SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco  Bell   and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

— From  Kansas City

IDIOT  SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To  which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

Happened in  Birmingham ,  Ala.
IDIOT  SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.

I was  crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing  driving?!’

She  was a probation officer in  Wichita  , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’

our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at  each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at  Texas  Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself

and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the  Dallas   County  Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT  SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child’s name?
“Le-a”
Leah??                NO
Lee – A??            NOPE
Lay – a??             NO
Lei??          Guess Again.

This child attends a school in  Kansas City,  Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It’s pronounced “Ledasha”.
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, “the dash don’t be silent.”

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don’t be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us……

Heaven and Hell

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven…”

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil smiles at him and says,

“Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted..”

Vote wisely on November 2.

Joe The Dummy

We were on an Alaskan cruise watching this guy Brad Cummings do his ventriloquist act. He picked on me cause I was in the front row, then called me up into his act! It was unrehearsed, unscripted, and I just winged it on a prayer! Had the whole ship in tears and was famous just so ever briefly!

More on our Alaskan cruise will be coming soon!

Some Email Humor

Excerpts from a DC Airline Ticket Agent {Funny}
A DC airport ticket agency offers some examples of ‘why’ our country is in trouble!

1.        I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2.        I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.”
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ” his response — click.

3.        A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried t o explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.  He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!” (OMG)

4.        I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from

Canada?” I said, ”No.”
She said, ”But they look so close on the map.” (OMG, again!)

5.        An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)

6.        An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.  She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7.        A New York lawmaker, called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?”
I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’ he replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8.        A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

9.        I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10.     Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11.     Mary Landrieu (D) LA. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.  When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12.       A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York . . .”
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”
‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”
”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly!  Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!”
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”
The reply?  ”Whatever!  I knew it was a big animal.”

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don’t write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

To Pet Owners

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
FOR THOSE THAT DON’T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. Nor, do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine/feline assistance is not required.

Finally, in the interest of fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don’t.
(2) If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don’t ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don’t smoke or drink,
(7) don’t want to wear your clothes,
(8) don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children …

Three Mistakes

We all make mistakes in life, some more than others, some really big ones, and allot of little ones that add up over the years. Today I made three:


1) Decided to go running in the pouring rain. I could have gone to the gym at the TPC Club but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I had to do it outside!

2) Decided to run on the trails! I could have stayed on the pavement but nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, I had to run the trails and dodge mud and puddles the whole damn time. Made for a slogging run to say the least!

3) Didn’t wear nipple protectors! How many times do I have to experience the pain of not doing this before I learn better. Had to cut the run short while holding the rain soaked shirt away from my chest!


What did these three mistakes I made today show for myself? That I am a 50 plus moronic male trying desperately to stay in shape and thus far failing miserably with raw and bleeding nipples! And how was your day today???

%d bloggers like this: