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Jokes To Offend Everyone

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it’s worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

“Are you sure it’s mine?”

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a
blonde baby?

They named him “Sum Ting Wong”

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… “a recipe”.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time ..” –
A southern fairytale begins “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this s**t….

Hello……???

Rrriiiiinnnnggg,
rrriiiinnnngg,

‘Hello?’

‘Hi honey. This is daddy. Is mommy near the
phone?’

‘No, daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom
with Uncle Gabe.’

After a brief pause, daddy says,
‘But honey, you haven’t
got an Uncle Gabe.’

‘Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room
with mommy, right now..’

Brief Pause……….

‘Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to
do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door
and shout to mommy that daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’

‘Okay, daddy, just a minute.’

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

‘I did it, daddy.’

‘And what happened, honey?’

‘Well, mommy got all scared, jumped out of
bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug,
hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!’

‘Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?’

‘He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped
out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know
that you took out the water last week to clean it.’

 

‘He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’

Long Pause………..

Longer Pause……….

Even Longer Pause………….

Then daddy says, ‘Swimming pool?’

‘Is this 486-5731?’

No, I think you have the wrong
number…….!

Idiot Sightings

I feel like a VALEDICTORIAN !!!!!
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said “May I have large bills, please”


She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.”
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….

IDIOT  SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’  His reply: ‘I know. I already got that  side
.

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the  opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a  1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, ‘NO, it’s  not..’ Four is larger than two.’

We  haven’t used Sears repair since.


IDIOT  SIGHTING
My  daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk  a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went  to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do  not confuse the clerks at McD’s.


IDIOT  SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local  township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don’t  think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.’

From  Kingman ,  KS

IDIOT  SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco  Bell   and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

— From  Kansas City

IDIOT  SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To  which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

Happened in  Birmingham ,  Ala.
IDIOT  SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.

I was  crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing  driving?!’

She  was a probation officer in  Wichita  , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’

our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at  each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at  Texas  Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself

and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the  Dallas   County  Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT  SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child’s name?
“Le-a”
Leah??                NO
Lee – A??            NOPE
Lay – a??             NO
Lei??          Guess Again.

This child attends a school in  Kansas City,  Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It’s pronounced “Ledasha”.
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, “the dash don’t be silent.”

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don’t be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us……

Joe The Dummy

We were on an Alaskan cruise watching this guy Brad Cummings do his ventriloquist act. He picked on me cause I was in the front row, then called me up into his act! It was unrehearsed, unscripted, and I just winged it on a prayer! Had the whole ship in tears and was famous just so ever briefly!

More on our Alaskan cruise will be coming soon!

Great Orators

How’s this for intelligence?

Great Orators

“One man with courage makes a majority.” – Andrew Jackson

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

“The buck stops here.” – Harry S. Truman

“Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country.” – John F. Kennedy


And, from today’s genius ‘

“It depends what your definition of ‘Sex’ is?” – Bill Clinton

“That Obama … I would like to cut his NUTS off.” – Jesse Jackson

“Those rumors are false … I believe in the sanctity of marriage.” – John Edwards

“I invented the Internet.” – Al Gore

“The next Person that tells me I’m not religious, I’m going to shove my rosary beads up their ASS.” – Joe Biden

” America is … Is no longer, uh, what it … It, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was … Uh, and I say to myself, ‘uh, I don’t want that future, uh, uh for my children.” – Barack Obama

“I have campaigned in all 57 states.” – Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

“You don’t need God anymore, you have us Democrats.” – Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006)

“Paying taxes is voluntary.” – Sen. Harry Reid

“Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he.” – Hillary Clinton (Quoted 1998)

And the most recent gem of wisdom from the “Mother Moron”:

“We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what’s in it.” – Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March, 2010)

HOW LUCKY CAN WE BE – TO HAVE SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE GREAT COUNTRY?

”Life’s tough … it’s even tougher if you’re stupid.” – John Wayne

Go green – recycle Congress in 2010

Some Email Humor

Excerpts from a DC Airline Ticket Agent {Funny}
A DC airport ticket agency offers some examples of ‘why’ our country is in trouble!

1.        I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2.        I got a call from a Kansas Congressman’s (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ”I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.”
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ”Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ” his response — click.

3.        A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried t o explain that’s not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.  He replied, ‘Don’t lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!” (OMG)

4.        I got a call from a lawmaker’s wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ”Is it possible to see England from

Canada?” I said, ”No.”
She said, ”But they look so close on the map.” (OMG, again!)

5.        An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.  I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas.  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ”I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.” (Aghhhh)

6.        An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.  She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn’t understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7.        A New York lawmaker, called and asked, ”Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?”
I said, ‘No, why do you ask?’ he replied, ”Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I’m overweight. I think that’s very rude!”
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT – Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.

8.        A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked, ”Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

9.        I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from Ala who asked, ”How do I know which plane to get on?”
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ”I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.”

10.     Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ”I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?”
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ”Yeah, whatever, smarty!”

11.     Mary Landrieu (D) LA. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. ‘Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”
I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.  When I told her this she said, ”Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!”

12.       A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ”I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York . . .”
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ”Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”
‘Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ”I’m sorry, sir, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a rhino anywhere.”
”The man retorted, ”Oh, don’t be silly!  Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!”
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ”You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”
The reply?  ”Whatever!  I knew it was a big animal.”

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it’s in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don’t write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

To Pet Owners

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE PETS, THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
FOR THOSE THAT DON’T, IT IS A TRUE STORY.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish. Nor, do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years – canine/feline assistance is not required.

Finally, in the interest of fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don’t.
(2) If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That’s why they call it ‘fur’-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people..
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don’t speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
(1) eat less,
(2) don’t ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don’t smoke or drink,
(7) don’t want to wear your clothes,
(8) don’t have to buy the latest fashions,
(9) don’t need a gazillion dollars for college and
(10) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children …

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
‘Happy Birthday!’,
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
‘ Happy Birthday.’

I thought….

Well, that’s marriage for you,
but the kids…
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
‘Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! ‘
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..’
I said, ‘Thanks, Jane,
that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go !’

We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, ‘You know,
It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?’

I responded,
‘I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?’
She said,
‘Let’s drop by my apartment,
it’s just around the corner.’

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,

‘ Boss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.’
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

And I just sat there….

On the couch…

Naked.

Grandma

This Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the
light had changed.

It  is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t
honked,  I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like  crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of
God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the  air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through  the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,  Grandma

And Then the Fight Started

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
“Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into
the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back,
now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY !!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””
Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

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