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  • September 2020
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Idiot Sightings

I feel like a VALEDICTORIAN !!!!!
I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said “May I have large bills, please”


She looked at me and said “I’m sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.”
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her….

IDIOT  SIGHTING
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘it’s open!’  His reply: ‘I know. I already got that  side
.

This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the  opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, ‘Lady, you need a  1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, ‘NO, it’s  not..’ Four is larger than two.’

We  haven’t used Sears repair since.


IDIOT  SIGHTING
My  daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk  a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’ I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went  to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.’
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Do  not confuse the clerks at McD’s.


IDIOT  SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local  township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don’t  think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.’

From  Kingman ,  KS

IDIOT  SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE
My daughter went to a local Taco  Bell   and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

— From  Kansas City

IDIOT  SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’
To  which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’
He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’

Happened in  Birmingham ,  Ala.
IDIOT  SIGHTING
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.

I was  crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing  driving?!’

She  was a probation officer in  Wichita  , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing,’

our manager commented cheerfully, ‘This is fun. We should do this more often.’
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at  each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

This was a lunch at  Texas  Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself

and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the  Dallas   County  Sheriffs office, no less.

IDIOT  SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child’s name?
“Le-a”
Leah??                NO
Lee – A??            NOPE
Lay – a??             NO
Lei??          Guess Again.

This child attends a school in  Kansas City,  Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It’s pronounced “Ledasha”.
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, “the dash don’t be silent.”

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don’t be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us……

Grandma

This Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the
light had changed.

It  is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t
honked,  I’d never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like  crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of
God!’

‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the  air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through  the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.  Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,  Grandma

And Then the Fight Started

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
“Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into
the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that
the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back,
now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And that’s how the fight started…

******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah,
well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY !!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”

And then the fight started…..

*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny
that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started…

******************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive…
so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started…

******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back
later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said,
‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady
swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?””
Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

******************************************
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…..

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